“I’ve been wanting to write this letter to you for a very long time, yet I didn’t know when to start. At first you were my best friend. I went through many painful times in my life and truth be told, in those times, you held my hand and made everything seem that little bit better. You were also there at my best times, made everything look much better. Little did I know you came in stages. Like a person I guess. We all have lovely, kind sides and dark and horrible sides. I’m more upset I was so silly to think you were there to help me.
“I think you took advantage of me because I was so vulnerable, young and naive. There was a time in September 2017 that things didn’t go as planned and you and I moved to my mum’s. This was a stage I thought you and I could have a break and maybe I didn’t really need you. I had my family by my side now and they would look after. However, you were very patient and waited for me.
“Now and again you would need some reassurance and I would give it to you. At this time, it came to light that I did have an over-reacted relationship with you. Of course I denied it. You and I had such good times and you were also the fun I had. So I just listened to everyone and let them think I was more in control than you. However we both knew you had other plans and you couldn’t wait to be my best friend again.
“There were times we managed to get away with it and managed to get caught. Either way, at the end of the day, you would always be the one who wouldn’t shout at me and let me continue doing stupid stuff. I’d just keep saying sorry and do it again. There was always a part of me that thought you helped everyone. You were the life and soul of every occasion and every moment in life. It has taken me a very long time to realise that in every event I can remember in my life, you were there, somewhere in the background, but always there. Almost like you were waiting for me to need you more.
“You have put me in some of the most embarrassing and shameful situations ever. But worst of all, I nearly lost everything and everyone I have ever loved. And that was because of you. In the most painful and hardest times you made out to be my best friend but when I sit back and think, you were the most painful thing of all. When I drank you, you made me forget about everything I was going through and just made me think of you when I was having good times, that was because of the people I was with, not you!
“I never wanted you, you wanted me. You ruined a lot of my life. I have a strong family and supportive friends that have since made me realise that I was always fun before you. I was loving, outgoing and happy…before you. You let me think I was none of those things and I needed you to be them. What friend would ever do that?
“You did win though, I want you to know that. You took my everyday living. You would scream at me on an hourly basis, telling me to have more. You would make me worry when I ran out of you. I would forget everything else unless I had you. Family event? I couldn’t go unless you came too. Daily trips with my son? I couldn’t go unless I had some of you.
“You filled me with guilt, disgrace and panic. I have never felt so ashamed as I do now, when I talk about you. It hurts me that you couldn’t just stop. You had to keep going. But as strong as you were, I knew your time was running out. I was always scared to die, even more so when I lost my son at the age of twenty-one. I have never felt pain like it. To this day, that pain remains and it will never go away.
“Yet you made me to never be afraid of anything. After a while, I realised how strong you were because I wasn’t afraid of anything, even death. You took me to a point in my life where I welcomed death. And this was because it was either you, death or my family. I couldn’t choose my family because you would not let me. I didn’t want you but you wouldn’t go away. Death seem the only option, that way you couldn’t hurt me or anyone I loved, any more. For months you made me think and do silly things. I have never been so sick in my life. You must be gutted you didn’t win. I got me and I got my family back. I managed to kick your ass!
“The shame and hurt you have left behind is massive. However, I would rather that than ever touch you again. As much as you may like to think you will ever have a chance again, you won’t. You try popping up on the telly or coming to events, it won’t work. For months I felt sorry for myself, but it turns out you have done it to a lot of people. Well guess what? I feel sorry for you!
“The bit that gets me more than most is that you made me believe I needed no-one, that I could survive on just you. No food, no family, no partner…..no son. I will hate you forever for that. You nearly ripped me apart. I will spend a lifetime saying sorry for what you made me become. At the same time, I am thankful for that. I have never felt more alive, than I do now. I got to find ‘me’. You made me realise that what I have is more than you could ever have. You can try for a life time to beat me down, but it will never work. The love I have for everyone is something you will never have. The love I have for me, is more than it has ever been.
“I am so glad my partner and family saw straight through you and on fighting when you told me to push them away. Better yet, I had to see through you. It took me a while but I can honestly say, now I do. I have lots of making up to do to people and that’s no thanks to you.
“So this is my letter to you and my only ever letter to you. You have taken all you can take and caused some serious damage to to me and everyone I love. Luckily enough you didn’t take the fight I had in me and you will never have the chance to. I will be seeing you around but you will not see me.
Tasha, Service User (Swansea)