Leave The Light On

Sometimes it is hard to know where to start when you are concerned about a loved one and their substance use, especially how to start and have a conversation with them about their use. Here are some tips we have put together which may make having that conservation a little easier.

Stay Calm – when talking to a loved one about their substance use it can often be a very emotive subject and they may become defensive and angry. Stay calm in order to reduce the conversation escalating into an argument. It is very difficult to argue with a calm person.

Time – choose a time that is good for both of you. If they are intoxicated or have had a bad day this may not be the best time to talk about their substance use. Choose a time when you are both calm and don’t have any distractions around so you can have a meaningful conversation.

Listen – it is important to allow your loved one to talk – that is the whole point of a conversation. Listen carefully to what they are saying and don’t interrupt.

Don’t be judgmental – your loved one probably knows that their substance use is having an impact on the people around them and often feel a great sense of guilt and shame. You may not agree with their actions but try not to judge or accuse them as they probably already feel judged by the people around them and may become defensive.

Ask open questions – ask questions where it is difficult to give one word answers. This can help a conversation flow and avoids an easy “yes” or “no” answer.

Positives – your loved one is probably very aware of all the negative things they may be doing. Try and let them know of the positives they are doing. Everyone likes to know when they are doing something good and it encourages us to keep doing that positive thing.

Knowledge – research information on drugs and alcohol. It may help you understand some of their behaviours and recognise when they are intoxicated and what support is available.

Get support – Barod offer support for loved ones who may be concerned or affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use as well as support for loved ones who are using substances.

Sometimes a loved one may not be ready to have a conversation about their substance use. It is important to let them know you are there and ready to have that conversation. Don’t be disheartened if they don’t wish to talk about their substance use straight away, the fact you have approached the subject in a non judgmental and supportive way shows them you care.

Setting boundaries allows everyone to know where they stand, on a variety of issues. It may be worth putting time a-side and have an honest and open discussion, establishing boundaries that are agreed by everyone. Remember to try and stay calm throughout. Let your loved one know what you want and give them the opportunity to let them tell you what they want. As a result, consequences need to be determined too, if either side don’t adhere to what has been mutually agreed. This can increase the possibility of everyone taking responsibility for their own actions and behaviours and staying within the boundaries.

One tip to remember, is to agree on boundaries and consequences that everyone is confident of sticking to. Below are just some ideas and issues to think about, in terms of what boundaries to set:

1. Money – What if they ask for it? Do you give it? if so, can you afford it? Is it appropriate to give them money?
2. Covering for them – especially in terms of work or commitments. Are you comfortable in doing this if you are asked?
3. Live with you – Does the person you are concerned about live with you? What are your boundaries about using substances in the house? What are the ‘house’ rules? Are you having to cook for them? Do they help with chores?
4. Driving them around – Whether this is to attend support sessions or general errands

If you are concerned that you may ‘enable’ your loved one and their substance use, check out the resource from Adfam, that provides advice on how to avoid this, here.

What if your loved one doesn’t want to sit down and discuss boundaries? Well it may be a case that you just have to set the boundaries by yourself and make it clear to your loved one what they are and the consequence of not sticking to them. Our service are here to support any concerned other, which could include having the conversation with their loved one and setting boundaries.

Anyone that is concerned about someone else and their substance use, or is affected by another’s substance use, can access confidential support from any of our young person’s and adult services. Most services provide 1-2-1 support that can be delivered either face to face or virtually, or a combination of both. Some areas also facilitate group support sessions, where those concerned about a loved one can chat to someone else in a similar situation. Just chat to your local service about if this is available in your area. To find your local service, click here, or access our Live Webchat Service for more information.

Anyone can access our Live Webchat Service, where you can chat immediately to a trained support worker. For more information about our Live Webchat Service, including the opening times, click here.

Via our Live Webchat Service, you can:

• Access information and advice relating to substance use.
• Gain confidential online support regarding your own or a loved one’s drug and/or alcohol use.
• Submit a self-referral or a professional referral to any of our services (if out of area, we will provide you with your local single point of contact).
• Signpost to online resources and services in your area including local needle exchange service and group support.

We are not able to make or change appointments and we can’t discuss specific cases – you will need to contact your worker about this.